Things are about to be get very candid.
I want to be clear that now, at 8 months pregnant, I am OVER THE MOON excited for baby number 2, and couldn’t be happier with our decision to try for a second child when we did.
But honestly, I didn’t always feel that way.
Let’s go back to when I first found out I was pregnant. It was my husband’s birthday, and I was getting ready to have a sip of the mimosa I had just poured, when I remembered my period was supposed to come that day. I was tracking my cycle and we were trying, so I knew that there was a chance, but I’d tested negative earlier that week. I told him I’d go check, expecting another negative, but Happy Birthday to him, the test was positive!
I brought it out to show him, and to pour my mimosa down the drain, and then I sat on the living room floor, holding my 13 month old daughter. 100 different thoughts ran through my head. I wanted to be pregnant, and we had been trying for a few months - so none of this was a shock, but at the same time… I was freaking shocked. Not shocked that we got pregnant, but shocked at how much my life was about to change, again, at a time when I felt like it had just stabilized.
Yes — the change was something we had talked about when we first decided to start trying.
While I thought I was ready, it’s one of those things where I don’t think you can really
understand the gravity of being pregnant, until you really are. For me, 9-12 months postpartum was a huge identity crisis stage. Right around that time, I felt like I was getting a grasp on Motherhood, had adjusted to the everyday routine of being back at work and being a Mom/Wife/Friend, but I felt further from myself than ever before. I changed so much in that first year, and I had a hard time being okay with letting go of the person I once was, and transitioning into this new version of myself. Once I accepted that I had changed, I had to
also figure out how to bring that new person into my marriage, my friendships, my family
interactions, etc. That meant that I lost friendships, relationships shifted — and being okay with that was also really hard for me.
But I moved through that phase and started to feel really great about my new identity and proud of my growth. It was around this time that I started seriously talking about launching a podcast or a blog or some sort of platform on motherhood and postpartum. I was really inspired and motivated to create a community in that space.
And then I got that positive pregnancy test and I felt so much differently than I expected. My
pregnancy with my daughter, being a “pregnancy after loss”, was SO exciting. Like, cannot put into words how happy, grateful, and ecstatic I was to be pregnant. This time, I didn’t feel that immediately. And it wasn’t that I was not excited.. but I was just… apprehensive.
You find out you’re pregnant, and everything changes. Your plans? Changed. Body? Changing.
The first time around, I was excited for the change — and a bit naive. You don’t really know
how much your life will change, just that it will. This time, I know how much everything is going to change (at least, I can realistically guess..) and that thought terrifies me to my very core. Can I handle all the change? How will we possibly adjust to being a family of 4 when I just adjusted to being a family of 3?
And it wasn’t just the thought of having another baby that was making me scared. We were also in the process of moving cities and changing daycares. And as timing would have it, my daughter went through what I still classify as the most difficult stage thus far from months 15-18. It felt like every day during that time period was a struggle, (one I loved very much!!), but a struggle all the same. I remember one of my girlfriends asking me “are you excited for baby number 2?” as my daughter screamed and cried in my arms, mid-tantrum, and I just burst into tears.
How could I be excited when everything around me looked so chaotic?
Oh and by the way, the pregnancy nausea? Felt it all the way until week 17. Never underestimate the power of NOT feeling like crap — because feeling like I had the flu every day for 3 months on top of all the chaos around me — Its no wonder that excitement was not a feeling high on my list.
But as it always does, Life carried on. We found our dream home, somehow packed up our
things with a toddler, and settled into our new spot. This move brought me nearer to my closest friends and family, and I instantly felt the change in support around me. We found a fantastic daycare for our daughter that shockingly had 1 spot open. We still felt the struggles of “toddlerhood” that my daughter was moving into, but within 6 weeks of being in our new home, things started to feel less…volatile (Toddlerhood is still kicking my ass, but less than before). The nausea subsided. The dream of creating content in the Motherhood space resurfaced.
Around this time, I started to really acknowledge that I was pregnant. Slowly, the fear faded and the joy took over in its place.
I remember the day I told my mom “I’m finally feeling really excited to meet this baby” — it
was more recent than you would imagine, and her I both acknowledged how good it was to hear me say that out loud. Today, I can’t freaking wait! I am so excited to have a little boy and get to know his personality and bring him into our family.
But some of the anxieties haven’t subsided, and I don’t know that they ever really will. Kids
bring on so much change, and as a self declared type A control freak, that’s not the easiest pill for me to swallow. I’m still dealing with feelings of anxiousness surrounding how my daughter will react to not being an only child. I’m scared to lose my one on one time with her or for her to feel left out. I find myself wondering how it will effect my marriage and my friendships. I’m scared of not being a good enough mom or wife during those first 6 tough sleepless weeks.
I say all this, knowing it will be okay. Many have had 2 kids before me, and many will do it after
me. I really struggled with the guilt I felt for not feeling different during those first few months of pregnancy, and it wasn’t until I heard another Mom share her same feelings that I felt less alone. I’ve since forgiven myself and come to know that what I was feeling was totally valid and normal and happens more than you may think.
So whether the dye is still wet on your pregnancy test when you read this, or you’re 9 months in wondering “how the heck am I about to do this all over again…” know that I have no idea how we’ll make it, but we will, and I am right there with ya!
Written by fellow MESH mom Hannah Stout: www.themomologue.com
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